March 30, 1979

Bonjour.
Today was a drag. Nothing unusual. I've got tons of homework for this weekend. I have to do extra credit for french, research Ogden Nash for my peotry booklet, study for my geom mid-term, study for a bio chapter test and write up my report for bio. Sound fun?

Tomorrow, Carol and I are going to the mall and to the Univ. library. Then later on in the afternoon, I'm going to start writing up my thingy.

Harold called Alice and asked her out to go to a Seals and Crofts concert. Interesting...

March 29, 1979

Shit. It's been a long time since I've written. Let's see, what's happened...

Um, well, last week I went to ND to visit everyone. It was so fun. I saw lots of kids from Jr High.

Other than that, my life's been a total, total drag. I've been keeping busy on my experiment for bio. Geom's total shit of course. Eng is terrible. There's this poet (at least that's what he calls himself), and he is so full of shit, it's oozing out of his ears.

Carol and I are becoming better friends. Over spring vacation we're going to go to a disco. Helene will probably go along also. I haven't seen or talked to Allen. I'm not writing about him.

Today in bio we dissected a heart an that was pretty fun.

In the library, Tom came over to sit next to me. He could have sitten next to Helen, Sherrie, or anyone else, but he chose me! He's really nice.

March 18, 1979

Good evening.
This past day has been very interesting for me: I failed 2 Geom tests (first and second times). Crud.  On Fri nite I went to a play at school. I went with Jennifer and Kim. It was totally great. I saw Jon! Such a cutie!

On sat I got a really pretty turquoise blouse with a white thingy over it. I also got "Cheap Trick Live."

Alicia slept over on Sat night and this morning we played tennis (in the rain) for 1 1/2 hours. We had lots of fun. I was serving totally great. I just couldn't hit the ball on forehands and backhands.

When we were walking to the park, we passed a dude flopping his dick around from the inside sliding door of his van. Alicia screamed and ran. I think he was enjoying that. So I just pointed to his dick and laughed. "Ha ha, so that's all you got?" Then I ran too. I think I have bigger balls then he does!

March 12, 1979

Hi.
Nothing much interesting happened today. In fact, it was probably one of the most dull days ever. I wore a skirt and looked pretty good.

School itself was a drag. In a couple days I'm going to cut all my classes and go to ND to visit. Either that, or Alicia will come and visit me. Actually, I'd rather go there.

March 11, 1979

Hi.
On thursday night (at 11:30) Annie came over and on Friday we went to school. Nothing exciting happened. I might go up to Sacramento to visit her during easter vacation. I hope so. I've gotta get away from here.

On Fri nite me, Alicia, and Vicky went to a disco dance at ND. We didn't know anyone there! As soon as a good song started, Vicky got up and started dancing in the middle of the floor---alone! As soon as she got there, a guy came up to her and started dancing. Me and Alicia were cracking up! Then while we were laughing, a guy came up and asked me to dance. As soon as I left, a guy asked Alicia to dance. So fun!

I danced with one guy named Craig. He danced with me about 5 times. Alicia wanted to dance with him but he was dancing with me. Then Craig came over to me and Alicia and said "eenie meenie mynee mo" and ended up pointed at me. Alicia was pissed off! But he danced the slow dance with her. So she wasn't mad anymore. All-n-all, we had a pretty much fun.

On Saturday (I slept over friday nite), me and Alicia played tennis.  I served really well, but otherwise I did really crappy.

Later on Saturday I did some work. Then today I laied out for an hour and did some more word. I also drove a few hours.

From now on, I'm driving myself to school. Wow. Pretty exciting, huh!

March 7, 1979

I'm so miserable. My life is a piece of shit. My mother's a bitch. I think she's getting senile. A few months ago she said I couldn't have a big sweet 16 party because I had a bat mitzvah. Then tonight, in front of the whole fucking family, she told me she never said that. BULL SHIT. She doesn't even remember that, what a bitch.

Then her and my dad started hassling me about a bunch of shit. My life is so miserable. I probably wouldn't have anyone to invite anyways. Life's a bitch.

On Monday I got a letter from Annie. She wrote that she 's coming down on Wednesday (today). She invited herself over and told me she was going to sleep over Thurs and go to school with me on Fri. Interesting??? Well, I really don't know if and when I am going to entertain her.

This friday I am probably going to a dance at ND. Larry C. Will probably be there, so who knows! On Sat or Sunday morning---early--Alicia and I are probably going to play tennis. Then on Saturday I'm going to do my abstract. And on Sunday I'm going to do my term paper.

FUCK LIFE. All I do in my life is work (school work---my parents won't let me get a job). Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I have to get my aggressions out. What should I do? I think tennis is the best answer.

March 4, 1979

Today was super pretty. It was really hot so I laid out from 9:45-12:00, and I got a tan! The rest of the day I just sat around and talked on the telephone. I want my own phone line. I want a stereo. I want a car. I want Allen as a friend. I want friends. I want straight A's. I WANT A FUN LIFE.

Do I sound spoiled?Well I'm not. I'm just a victim of asshole parents who are making life hell for me.

February 28, 1979

High (no I'm not).
I HATE MY LIFE. I'm so depressed. Today I brought my guitar to school. Wow. Nobody gave a shit. What can I do to get people to notice me? Life is so fucking boring. I have no friends. All I do every day is homework. Nothing else. What a total drag.

Shit. I wish I could act happy and say hi to everyone.

Maybe tomorrow I'll act. It's even more depressing though, because after it all, you feel even worse.

OK. I've made up my mind. I'm going to get to know 5 people better tomorrow. Also I'm going to say hi to everyone I know or slightly know. OK? OK.

February 26, 1979

Hi.
It's been a whole week! Sorry. I've been very busy. My parents left on Thurs for San Francisco. Lori met a cute guy in Palm Springs. My grades are shitty, I want to go to the prom, I want Allen.

This and more was going through my head last Sat. nite. I was so depressed, I wanted to die. I read over all the notes Allen has given me and I started crying.

I decided I needed someone to talk to so I called Allen. Unusual? Well I'm sure he was totally shocked. Well, I called him and we talked for a long time. I told him I was confused, depressed, and going insane. And of course I started crying. He was shocked.

Well, he comforted me. We talked about school, Cheap Trick, concerts, music, camp, let's see...what else? Oh you know, usual stuff like that. Then he said bye and today (Monday) I thought surely he'd say hi to me. But noooo. Of course he didn't. Piss off.

In geom, French, and Bio I have C's. In Eng and P.E. I have A's. Weird? I don't know what's wrong. Actually I do know--I'm depressed as hell.

My life's going nowhere. All it is is school and homework, and on weekends, more homework. Where's my social life? Shit, I'm depressed. I want to meet people. I want to fall in love with a gorgeous 12th grader, go to the prom, and eventually marry him.

How stupid. Wake up, Zoe. You're a loser and you know it. You'll never have your dreams come true.

I hate my school. I want to go somewhere else. At least I'll meet someone cute. Ha, what a total joke.

February 19, 1979

Today was Lincoln's birthday so we didn't have school Lisa came over and we played tennis. Exciting. Lori came back from Palm Springs and she met a guy! He's in 11th and goes to Kennedy. But, he's moving to Colorado. Ain't that a bitch. Bummer. And she said he's cute. Oh well, tomorrow's school, so I gotta split.

February 18, 1979

I went driving again today and got my certificate. My dad came along. The rest of the day I talked on the phone to Lisa and then my family went to a movie. Ugh. I despise going places with my family.

Tomorrow I'm going to play tennis with Lisa.
Bye for now.

February 17, 1979

Today I went driving. My mom came along for the lesson. When I got home I was supposed to go ice skating, but Alicia couldn't go. So I did homework. I think I understand photosynthesis!

That's about all I did. Boring. I can't talk to Lori since she's in Palm Springs. Alors!
Bye.

February 16, 1979

High! (yes I am, naturally that is)
Today was so fun. I wore a skirt, my hair looked nice, and I was in the best mood. I must have said hi to 100 people! Even tho' I had 3 tests and didn't comprehend photosynthesis, it was a bitchen day!

Tom (in Eng and Bio) was such a sweetie to me. I got tons of compliments and I actually had fun.

For the weekend I have French, Eng, Geom, and Bio homework. DRAG! I was gonna get 1/2 of a Thai stick from Regina, but she didn't get it. I figure that since my parents are going to San Francisco, I might well have fun next week.

Lori's going to Palm Springs for the 3 day weekend. I hope she picks up a cute guy! She's going with Lana, Lana's sister, and their grandparents. No parents! Ha ha! How fantabulous!

Tomorrow I might go ice skating with Alicia. But now I gotta split.
Bye bye!

Valentine's Day, 1979

Hi.
Sorry it's been so long. I was sick till Tuesday. Today (V-day) was Weds. Depressing. All the guys at school bought their girlfriends red roses. It made me so sad, I swear.

At nutrition, Allen came up to me and said hi. I was so shocked, I thought he hated me. Well we talked bout school, our weekends, and other normal stuff. It's weird how he can be nice one day and an asshole another day.

Anyways, I had to go to Eng. so he walked me there and just before I went in, he gave me a Valentine's card. I swear,  I was so totally shocked. This is what it said:
"Dear Zoe, Today is the day for sending special thoughts to very special people-you're really the nicest girl I know. I know that we'll stay good friends. I'm always thinking of you. Love, Allen"

Can you believe that? I swear, he freaks me out-totally. I hate the way he toys with my emotions. Alors, c'est la vie! Au revoir pour maintenant!

February 10, 1979

Today was Jeff Cohen's Bar Mitzvah. Ugh. I hate temple. At his party I met Ron Miller (Bill Miller's bro--remember him from Hebrew School?) Well, it was a drag and a waste of a day. I wish I was at home doing my homework. Of course this weekend I have a ton of HW.

Well, Saturday Nite Live is on now, and I'm gonna watch it.
Bye

February 9, 1979

Thank god it's Friday (I want to get fried). Today was shit, of course. Me and Helene were coming out of Geom and Allen was walking in our direction from the side. Well, he knew damn well that I was there. But, him being the fucker he is, he just ignored me and walked on. I got very mad and I really think he's acting immature. If he hates me, he can fuckin' tell me. Jesus.

In P.E. I'm a team captain and we have a pretty good team. David, Tom, Carol, Steve and Linda...let's see, who else...Oh well, whatever.

Today, during 5th, I say Jon Hackson. He came to visit (he goes to Notre Dame). He is so cute now, I swear. We were talking for a while but then I had to go. Nothing else happened.
So, bye.

February 8, 1979

Allen is such an ass. Today was so shitty. Allen gave me the dirtiest look I have ever seen, and I'm pissed. He's so schitzophrenic (I'm paranoid and he's schizo--now I know why we were together). Nothing much else happened, so I'll split.

February 6, 1979

Today at nutrition I say Allen. I went over to him to say hi ( you know, nice and friendly like). Well, he scooted over, patted the seat next to him and said, "Why don't you sit down?" So I did. I asked if  he got the pictures and he said yes--he read my letter also.

We talked awhile, not mentioning the letter at all. He was telling me all about his weekend. It was so freaky; him being so nice and all. So when the bell rang, I quickly left because I couldn't hack it. He was blowing my mind. At lunch I didn't see him. So that is all.
Bye

February 5, 1979

Today I didn't see Allen once. I wrote him a letter and stuck it in his locker. It said to meet me at my locker at lunch. Well, at lunch, NO ALLEN. So, I went to get our pictures from the Snowball dance (so crappy). I met Helene there, and she said that she say Allen going to his locker so I quickly went to y locker and his, but he had left.

So I wrote him another letter and stuck it in his locker with the pictures. Here's a copy of the letter. God. I'm so depressed.

"Allen,
I got the Snowball pictures today (yuck). What happened?
Hey, where were you today? Didn't you read the note I left in your locker? I guess not.

I really have to talk to you. I don't think going together will work out anymore. I don't know, maybe I'm being a bitch or something, but I guess I don't feel the same way for you as I did before.

I bet you hate me now, right? Well, I don't hate you. I like you and I want to still be friends. That is, if you don't think I'm a  bitch and if you don't hate me.

This is all so fucked, and I'm sorry it had to end this way. Please Allen, keep in touch and still be my friend,
Zoe

February 4, 1979

Hellllo,
I could kill myself. I didn't call Allen this weekend. I don't know why either. I'm such a coward, I swear. Yesterday I went driving with my father. Exciting weekend. Also, I did a report on artificial knees. Blech. Quel drag.

I don't really want to go a face Allen tomorrow. I' so scared to break up with him. Ugh.

Oh well, I guess I'd better go now. "The Way We Were" is on. Oh god, a love story. I don't think I can handle it. Oh well, bye.

February 2, 1979

Hi.
Today was the worst day in my life so far. If I was to rate my depression from 1 to 10, it would be a -10.

It all started when I went straight to english at nutrition. I was sitting there feeling horrible and so sad. I was thinking of how screwed everything has gotten recently. And, of course I started crying. Mrs Coffer, she is so sweet, asked if there was something wrong, but I said no. I should have talked to her. So, anyways all through English I was crying and/or very depressed and sick looking.

At lunch I saw him and I said really formally "Do you have any place to go?" He said no. Then without a word, we went to my locker. After that I said "Where do you want to go?" He said "I don't care." It was all so formal and stiff and so uncomfortable. Then we got outside and it was silent, so I made up something about having to go to the library. So I looked at him for a second and then said bye and left. He said bye and left.

THAT WAS IT. I was going to break up with him, but I guess I'll do it this weekend over the phone.

Anyways on to something less depressing. Alice told Jason that I was going to write him or call him and he said "Allright, does she have my phone number?" I guess he really does like me. Gee, I feel wanted. Maybe I'll call him someday, but for now, my problem's Allen.
See ya.

February 1, 1979

Hi!
Today was the big day. At nutrition, I told Allen everything that was bugging me. It was very apparent that I was PISSED! When the bell rang, I just left and said "I'll see you at lunch." He didn't say bye.

And, at lunch we didn't talk at all. Some guy came over to talk to him, and he totally ignored me. So, when the bell rang, I just split. If he calls me tonite, I'll be a bitch. Hell if I'm going to call him, tho.

Otherwise, today was pretty good. In French, I slept. In P.E. I played a fun game of volleyball, in Geom I actually understood, in bio we did a pretty fun lab.

Guess what! Alice knows Jason Goodman (remember him from Hebrew school?) Well, I told her to say hi to him from me, well, he told her that he used to have a crush on me! And, he can't wait to ask me out, when he gets his car, that is. Isn't that funny! It's pretty ironic also. Because I had a crush on him for a while in 5th or 6th grade or something! So funny.

If Allen hasn't gotten the hint yet, I think I'm going to break up with him.

Bye for now.

P.S. Good news: Windy Canyon has asked me back next summer to be a junior counselor and to be paid $700!!!!!

January 31, 1979

Shit.

I'm in the worst mood. Today at lunch, Allen was being an ass to me. He didn't say one word till the end of lunch and then, when he did, he told me everything he dislikes about my personality. This is what he said:
1. He wants me to look at him when I talk to him.
2. I never kiss him.
3. I call myself a spaz and always put myself down.
4. There's more, but I can't remember.

When he told me all this, I was just standing here, not saying a word. I should have told him to fuck off. I will tomorrow. If he can't stand my personality and look over my faults, why the hell is he going with me? I overlook so many of his faults. But never would I tell them to his face and hurt his feelings. He really hurt my feelings today.

This is the second time he hurt my feelings (the first time he wanted to break up because I couldn't drive with him. Isn't that asinine?) He's such a dumbshit.

He's probably not going to respect me any more if I don't say anything. And if he really cares, he wouldn't use me again.

(later)
I just got off the phone with Allen. I called him. He got on the phone but another extension was off the hook so someone could have listened. So I told him I'd tell him tomorrow and he said OK. Then I said bye. He thought I was going to talk for a while, and I hung up on him. So now, he knows I mean business.

I should tell him to fuck off, you know. He's really being an ass to me.  But I do like him, and I can't say mean things to people I like (apparently he can, though). Oh well, I'm so confused.

Tomorrow I'm going to be a bitch.
Bye.

January 29, 1979

Hi!
Today was the semester break, so we didn't have to go to school. I can't  believe that 10th grade is 1/2 over. Next semester I'm going to try so hard.

Today I went over to Alice's house. Exiting. I learned how to play canasta. It's an OK game, not really wonderful, but OK.

Allen called me when I got home and we talked for about 1/2 hour, then he had to go. Then he called later and we talked some more. Then I called him later, and we talked even more.

I have such a good attitude towards next semester. I am even (sorta) looking forward to it.

Oh well, it's getting late, and an exciting day of school awaits me tomorrow.
Bye!

January 27, 1979

Howdy!

Today I went over to Allen's house. We listened to records and that's about it.

His dad told me that I looked "absolutely beautiful honey" last night. Gee, what can I say.

On Friday, Alice came to my school to visit. I forgot to write that yesterday. We say Robbie and Steve, Rhonda What's her name, Allen (of course), Alfred, Simone, and Mark. Exciting? Sure, why not!

Mrs. Noyer let me, Vicky, and Alice "cut" Biology and go to P.E! We came in just in time to see Allen make a beautiful layup. I love him so much. Also I hope those pictures come out ok.

Monday is a semester break and I think it will be fun! Next semester, I'm going to totally try and get straight A's. I think I can do it. Well, maybe not Geometry, but I'll sure try!

Allen is taking psychology next semester and he can help me with my problems. That way, I can have an affair with my psychologist. Tee hee!

I swear, I'm still high (naturally) from last night! Allen makes me so happy....
By for now!

January 26, 1979

Today was report card day. My high school GPA is now 3.4. That is so crappy.

Well, I'm getting ready to go the the "Snowball Dance" with Allen. I'm so excited! It's going to be so much fun. We're taking pictures and I hope they turn out well.

Well, I've got to go now. Wish me luck!
Bye.

11:40pm Sat nite

Hello!
I just got home from the dance, and god was it fun! My mom picked Allen up and I came into his house. Then his parents took a bunch of pictures of us. Allen looked so good. He had on a 3-piece brown suit with a  light brown shirt and a dark brown tie with light  brown polka dots. Beautiful!

You know, when I first came into his house, the first thing Allen said was "Zoe, you're beautiful. Absolutely beautiful!" Nice!

Well the band was Shades of Brass (they played at my Jr High), and they were excellent.

At the dance, I didn't know anybody. There were only about 3 non-junior girls (the dance was sponsored by the junior class). A bunch of other people were there and we had a blast.

In the middle of "Color my World" we started kissing. So fun!

By the way, my parents BUG THE HELL OUT OF ME!! They won't let me ride with any guys until I'm 16. Quelle chienne! (Ma mere).

The only thing bad about tonite was that they didn't play "Stairway to Heaven," but c'est la vie.
Bye.

January 25, 1979

Today I found out what I'm getting on my report cards tomorrow. Total shit. I was expecting 4 A's and 1 B. Well, I'm getting 2 A's and 3 B's. Crap!

Next semester I'm going for all A's. I guess this is my 2nd semester resolution. And I'm not going to party.

Except for report cards, tomorrow is going to be an excellent day! Tomorrow is a formal dance that Allen and I are going to. I'm so excited! Also, we get out of school early so I can spend all afternoon trying to make myself look semi-normal.

Well I have to call June, Alice, and of course Allen! Later.

January 24, 1979

Today is Wednesday; the day we got back our finals. I did so crappy, I could not believe it. In French, I got a B (a B, can you believe it---a B?). In Geom I got a C, and in Eng. I got a C. That, by the way, gives me a B in the class, god damn it. And, in bio, I got a C.

These past two weeks have really been shitty, and I can't hide my emotions. I'm so totally depressed in school, and Allen hates seeing me depressed; he gets depressed. So I try to cover up, but I haven't let my emotions out so pretty soon (probably report card day) I'm gonna burst. I can't wait.

Today at nutrition I went to see my counselor so I didn't meet Allen at the regular place (his locker). Well my counselor really got me pissed off, so of course, I was in a bad mood. Well I ran into Allen later and I was totally bitchy (I don't know why!!). Well, he got this look on his face like "go to hell bitch." So then all through nutrition we were totally silent, and god, was it cold. Well, the bell rang and we parted. No kiss. Quel pain in the ass.

Later on I went to the mall and I got "Heaven Tonite" by Cheap Trick. Well Allen called and now I have to go call him back. Bye!